im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
