My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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