took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
