you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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