Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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