I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
