Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just gargled with NyQuil
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
