How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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