Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
