I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I haven't been this sober since birth.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
