just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
