I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
