so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
