I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
