she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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