Sponge bath it is.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
