all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
