I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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