I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
