i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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