Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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