Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
