Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
