Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I want to fling myself into the sun
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
