I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
