i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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