insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
