Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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