this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
