Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
