My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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