My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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