you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize