She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
