Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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