he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
