The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
