I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
