wakey wakey hands off snakey
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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