When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
