if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
