I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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