I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
