I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
