I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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