you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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