you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
