Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Drake has all the answers
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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