I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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