You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize
