I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
