Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
