living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
