my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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